Asteroid Investigation session 1

This is part of my first story. I am not finished yet and still need to do editing, stylecheck and ask my mom for help. I'm hoping to track my progress here on writers' pad. 


The beginning of the search.

Chapter 1

Only once in eight centuries a piece of an asteroid rock crashes on a planet. But there was one asteroid that was so rare you will only find it in the Himalaya’s. At the mount museum capital where only one professor can identify the meteor professor Thomas Lee. He was a brilliant man with millions of ideas with his long grey hair and his white lab coat he was just the man for this expedition.

Thomas was excited when he heard the news. He never examined a meteor before but there were consequences he was not allowed to go on this expedition alone! He was chosen out of five men. And he gave the list to see for himself.


Name, Surname, Designation, Age, Marital Status:

Thomas, Lee, Archaeologist, 29, Single

Jeffrey, Gould, Engineer, 31, Married

Markus, Begley, Geologist, 25, Single

Kean, Rogers, Mission Specialist, 25, Single

Linda, O’Malley, Biologist, 29, Single


Thomas was uncertain about the people on the list but this was a once in a life time opportunity. So he excepted their offer and set out to meet the offers. But first he had to pack his things for the journey ahead. After that he drove his BMW to the airport to meet his teammates.

When he arrived he saw four people one looked like he was some secret spy guy his name was Kean. The offer one looked like he was in the middle of some rock story his name was Markus. But one had this bazaar hair style and was cover in oil his name was Jeffrey. And finally there was a woman with black hair with green eyes and pink lipstick her name was Linda.

When Thomas wanted to greet everyone a lady with a white coat came out of the blue and said “I am misses Burberry and I will take control on this mission is that clear.” But everyone was silent then she repeated “ARE WE CLEAR!!!!” Then everyone quickly answered “Yes mam!” then she replied

“good now everyone report at the star ship now” then everyone went to the star ship then Burberry started the star ship countdown launch without letting the crew know about anything everyone almost fall out of the ship they barely made it back on the ship alive Jeffrey went to Burberry and said “What the hell is wrong with you Burberry!” she gave a snort and said “Nothing you need to worry about” Thomas stopped the fight before it could get started.

On the way to the Himalayas Thomas looked at Linda while she checked her sample bags. Thomas looked around for Jeffry for romantic advice he search around the ship at last he found him in the cargo bay working on something Thomas tapped Jeffrey and with a big surprise “WHAT THE!....oh it’s just you Thomas.” Said Jeffrey in relief “so what do you want?” Thomas swallowed audibly and said “can I ask you for…..romantic advice?” and closed his eyes after words Jeffrey looked at Thomas like something was wrong with him then said “So who’s your dream wife?” asked Jeffrey dramatically

Thomas answered with a clear throat “Linda.” Jeffrey gasped and maybe smiled and said “Thomas, Thomas let me put it to you this way she is way out of your league plus I think I heard her giggle at Kean when he said call me!” “dammit how does the newbie get the girl?” “ummm… because he has great hair, he’s a soldier and… he’s handsome.” He said with a dramatic acsed and Jeffrey replied “look at it this way at least you can have a good life with someone else.” Thomas gave Jeffrey a dirty look soon after misses Burberry called on the micro phone and said “attention every one we are about to land on the Himelayas top base.” Soon after they were right above the Himalayas the view was spectacular but there was no one outside ready to take in the ship it looked like he base was deserted “where is everyone?” “I’m not picking any life signs of… anyone.”


Chapter  2

“Buckle up boys and girl we’re going down!” “Aaaaaaaaah shit!” they went down to the ground to land to end their adventure but what they didn’t know was that their adventure was just getting started when they touched down they all rushed out of the plane to get some fresh air but when they saw the base it was half frozen however the door was wide open with a perfectly washed white lab coat with keys “Hey guys why the heck is the door open?” asked Thomas to the team no one had an answer however it wasn’t a big surprise after all no one is home they all went to the door it was filled with bullet marks it was bazaar to all of us but not for Kean he’s a high ranking officer from the U.S military but also has the sensitivity of a wolf.

It was still a long way to the museum but they had bigger problems like what happened to the base or why is it half frozen but all of those questions will be answered inside. The expedition just turned into a horror show after they walked in the half frozen base with no confidence of finding anyone at least not alive they went inside Markus closed the door behind him “aaaaahhhh!...By the love of God you almost scared the daylights out of us Markus!” “Well sorrrrry mam!” “Don’t even think about it Lieutenant I out rank you and the rest of you people lieutenant so watch your back!” “Ok ok break it up break it up we’ve  got bigger problems on our hands know I suggest we stop this crap and go thru that door and find what the heck happened here ok?” everyone agreed and went on.

They opened the door and went thru the door shut itself when everyone went thru but the only problem is it wasn’t Markus this was someone or something else looks like they’re not alone they have company. The walls are filled with scars the floors are covered with rocks in the hallway at last they found a clue but not a clue they were looking for a ripped…lab coat looks like things aren’t looking too  good scars on the walls rocks on the ground ripped lab coat with a have eaten wonder bar Nooooooooooooooooooo. 


This is my oldest son's writing. I have decided to let him do the whole story on his own before I give him pointers about how to write. I don't want to kerb his interest by being too strict. Once he has finished his story I will go through it with him to show him how to make it better. Then he will have time to play around with stylecheck. :)

As a reader you have to believe in the story to maintain your interest.  I laughed during this story in a genuine way but it kept me interested/entertained all the way through.  Some changes are needed but that happens to us all.  Good on Rivan for getting it out there.

The word fun falls into this bit of work.

This is terrific! I could just see everyone's rection when Mrs Burberry takes control. I loved that! I am so glad your mum let you put it up. It is entertaining and I want to know what happens next.  liked your list of people going on the mission and what they did. I also really liked your description of Thomas Lee...a brilliant man with millions of ideas and long grey hair. And yes does the newbie get the girl(: . Congratulations! Rivan You go for it! I