A Tall Tale


My wife and her friend recently took a trip around Ireland in a hire car and they had a lot of fun. From their experiences I took the liberty of documenting their progress in a very exaggerated way. I hope you like this.


In the fair city of Dublin today, two crazy American women went on the rampage and brought the traffic system to a halt. Said one bemused Irishman, “Sure it was a grand sight as them two ladies drove up and down the curbs like true Irish drivers. I’d have offered them a Guinness but they looked like they already had some.”


From our own correspondent in Dublin. A general APB has been issued by the Garda today. They would like the general public to report sightings of a small car being driven by two erratic American females. Locals have been warned not to approach. The woman are said to be dangerous, especially when followed down narrow roads. The public should also be aware that when confronted by obstructions, these women have been known to use foul language.


The Garda have nicknamed them Thelma & Louise. Now State Patrol in Washington and police on Malta have been told to be on the lookout. Maltese authorities commented, “I do not know what all the fuss is about. Our people always drive like this. These ladies are most welcome here.”

(An excerpt from ‘Drive the crooked road to Dublin’ – to be published



The two American women wanted for questioning after a spree of traffic incidents and public disorder were finally cornered in the Connemara late this afternoon. After spending the night in a deserted lodge, the women abandoned their car after taking a wrong turn and driving along a railway track. They were traced to a hedgerow hideout and when questioned by the Garda, asked for diplomatic immunity. Said a Garda officer, “We have offered the British and Americans free Guinness for life and the use of the Connemara as a launch site for long range missiles…but they just laughed at us.”


Evening News – from our own correspondent Ilene-dover.

Galway City Alert as ‘Thelma and Louise’ leg it across country to Dunguaire Castle.

A state of panic flows across this peaceful countryside tonight as Garda search for the women nicknamed Thelma and Louise. They escaped custody while awaiting a cabinet decision from No. 10 as to where they may be sent. Guantanamo Bay is thought to be a likely place but talks are dragging on with Washington D.C. In the meantime all residents near Dunguaire Castle have been told there is a ten o’clock curfew and all doors and sons should be locked up securely. The women were last seen getting into Sean Osin’s car on the road to Galway. He dropped them off near the castle and sped to the nearest Garda post to report that two women had made improper suggestions to him. Sean, aged 72, was quoted as saying…”They said they’d give me anything for bottle of Guinness, so they did. I told them to ..ck off!

Irish Times 9/16/2013


The Connacht Hotel in Galway was tonight under siege by Garda as Thelma and Louise, the two desperate escapee’s from Dublin, ordered management to give them the best suite with a Jacuzzi for the night. Manager Jim O’Donnell warned authorities the girls had threatened that should they be disturbed, they would fight even if they had no clothes on. Garda Superintendent Michael Flattery said, “I have withdrawn my men to safety. We will wait until the morning when the women have their clothes on. There is no point in exposing good Christian men to such shameful acts of psychological torture.” Meanwhile, outside the hotel, crowds have gathered, protesting the Garda’s unnecessary use of force. Some protesters carried placards with ‘Let it all hang out and fight the pigs’ while the others sang a chorus of ‘On mother Kelly’s Doorstep.’ We await developments tomorrow.

Daily Star – 23rd Sept 2013.



Off duty Irish soldiers and amazed visitors to the Waterford factory yesterday stood speechless as the two dangerous American women nicknamed Thelma & Louise, walked past them and across the car park, carrying between them a cut glass grandmother clock worth over $200,.000. By the time the Garda arrived, the women were long gone. Thelma, who lost her nightdress in the scuffle to get away from the Connacht Hotel two days ago, was heard using bad language when she discovered the clock would not fit into the trunk of the car. Louise was heard to remark, “I told you we should have taken the soldiers instead. They’d fit in the car and are much more fun.”








This is great fun. I chuckled as I imagined Mrellan and friend carting the clock about and carrering aorund the place. I liked the style which mimicked that of a journalist reporting events.I had a giggle all right.