Chapter 2

Written by: Iliena Bosu

“Are you sure?” Lizzie was the first one to ask. That piece of news had caught them off guard. Her voice cracked; she was still thirsty after her walk with Robin. Peter couldn’t take his eyes off the bear gently swaying in the breeze.

“I’m her brother, Lizzie. I ought to know.” Peter replied, shooting an angry look at her as he folded his arms across his chest.

It wasn’t the first time Francis had ‘just’ disappeared. Once, their parents couldn’t find her anywhere. Just when they were about to call the police, Francis came out of her room, rubbing her eyes. She had dozed off under her bed, while reading a book.

“Where did you see her last?” Robin asked David and Peter.

The last time Peter had seen her she was trotting off to find some privacy to read. As Peter shared this information with the group, Lizzie scoured the area for any clues that would lead them to Francis. Robin placed an arm around Peter’s shoulders. Smiling encouragingly, he suggested that Francis might have wandered off to the river bank. Robin then cupped his hands to his mouth and called out Francis’ name. His deep voice shattered the silence as it echoed through the stillness of the forest. Lizzie joined in with Robin.

Peter held a hand up. “The book is with me. David and I found it lying under a tree, outside the Potaema trail.” He handed the book to Lizzie.

Robin and Lizzie looked at each other, worried.

“Don’t panic, I know what this is,” laughed David, hands on hips. He sighed with relief. “Robin dumps Francis; Francis starts acting weird; Francis wants to get back at Robin, so she vanishes without a trace. It’s simple…”

Peter drifted away mentally. His baby sister was missing. He looked down at the ground, running his fingers through his hair. His heart started beating faster. What was he going to tell his parents? Francis was his responsibility. He would have to find her before twilight.

Without a word, Peter climbed the tree. He sat on a broad branch and shaded his eyes with one hand, looking everywhere for any sign of Francis. In such a densely wooded area, it was hard to see anyone.

“I-I don’t unders-sta-nd,” Lizzie sobbed, as she collapsed on the grass. She clutched her knees and swayed back and forth. “If Francis left her book somewhere far away from here and she can’t climb a tree, then who tied my bear up there?”

Peter climbed down from the tree. He snatched the book from Lizzie’s hand and started flipping through the pages.

“Francis has left me a message,” Peter mumbled as he showed the others the book. Pages three, ten, sixteen and nineteen were folded at the top corners. “That’s a code for ‘Help’,” Peter said slowly. “I taught her that…”

Iliena Bosu (IND)

 

Comments

Another first time contributer and a really good effort. Iliena has captured the tension and left a great hook mixed with a strand of mystery for the next writer to unravel. I look forward to reading her again.
Cool, there are parts of this story that I really like.
...Francis came out of her room, rubbing her eyes. She had dozed off under her bed...
That was great imagery for me :) Saw it happening in my mind as I read.
Also, I like to be surprised. So the mystery towards the end has me intrigued.
An interesting turn of events. I too thought the part about reading under her bed was good. The fifth paragraph is confusing because it bounces the action around from person to person chaotically. There is actually only one passive sentence in this chapter but there are too many passive "direction" details. Peter climbed up the tree, sat on a branch, looked everywhere, etc. This kind of direction slows down the action and very quickly gets boring to read. You do "save" the chapter in the end though with the code for help thing. Hope to see more of your stuff in the future. Welcome to The Story Mint!
Thank you so much for appreciating my writing skills as well as for pointing out the places I went wrong. I'll keep in mind not to repeat them next time.

There is just one thing I would like to know. Does my chapter seem disconnected in some places? Like for example in this part, "Her voice cracked; she was still thirsty after her walk with Robin. Peter couldn't take his eyes off the bear gently swaying in the ." I am not sure I am feeling this way about my story is because 'I' have written it and 'I' have read it so many times that 'I' don't want to look at it for a while or there is actually a discontinuation. All of you being experts would probably be able to tell me this.
Srry Iliena, I haven't checked the messages. Too bad we don't get a notification whenever a new message is posted.
I know what you mean with those little bits and pieces added that give imagery, sometimes seeming disjointed. And the answer is going to be no answer at all. Sometimes they do and sometimes they don't. Too many is bad, and none is bad.
I think your ones were just slightly disjointed. The reason was possibly because Lizzie hadn't wiped sweat from her brow before hand (or similar). That would have made the croaky voice more of a flow on.
The bear swaying in the tree; again maybe Peter could have another line of text devoted to him before or after so it flowed better.
Yes... I thought so too. Thank you so much...