Chapter 2

Written by: tokyo

Gary raced ahead of her and scooped up the little boy and brought him back to the warm sanctuary of the home. He couldn't face her and went back into the bathroom, locking the door behind him.
The seizures had been increasing in frequency since he'd killed Michael.
This was no different. First, the strobe in his head. Then the collapse of his legs and limbs. Finally that dull sick memory of holding the boy above the shaft. How the little fellow had kicked with excitement! Without thought Gary had released his grip. The child's scream had echoed back up the shaft before the thud of bone and flesh minced far below.
But Gary had had no choice.
Shirley manipulated the lock from the outside and opened the bathroom door. Gary was sitting on the side of the bath with his head in his hands and his eyes closed. As Shirley entered he lifted his head.
Her shape was fuzzy and indistinct. He blinked in an effort to focus.
Using the basin, he pulled himself up to his feet and skirted around her on unsteady legs. Jason moved back toward his bedroom. The tension was like a cable carrying a thousand volts.
Shirley stood, hands on hips, a determined look on her face. “Are you going to let our second child die?”
He shook his head. This was too much. As he reached for his favourite black sports jacket he noticed the stack of newspapers in the corner of the wardrobe. Yes, the local news had covered Michael’s accident in some depth.
"Gary, I'm trying to reach out to you on this!" She was in the doorway.
He pulled the jacket on and felt the gentle nudge of the air tickets in the inside pocket.
"I know Michael wasn't mine."
The colour in her face seemed to collapse and her eyes were alight with shock.
Gary had to move fast now. Jason was in the exact position he had expected him to be, his hand held out as if attached to someone else’s.
Shirley fell back against the wall. ‘It’s not true…” Her eyes fixed on the shadowy outline of Michael.
“He’s back,’ she choked.
Gary strode toward the car in the garage.
"I need some time you know. Alone,” he told Shirley.
He climbed into the Mercedes SUV, flicked the auto door opener and started the engine.
“No!” she screamed.
Four year old Jason ran after him and caught hold of the door.
“Stop Gary!” she screamed.
Gary slammed on the brakes, threw the door open, then reached across and pulled Jason in.
With tires screaming, he backed down the driveway. Shirley ran after him but was too late. She sank down onto a sculptured garden seat. Tears fell onto her hands that were gripped together in her lap.
A child’s hand rested on her shoulder. ‘I’m here.”

Gary turned to Jason as they drove away, "Now you and I will eat sweeties," he said.
Simon Angelo (NZ)


This story has taken a dark turn and the pace is picking up. We begin by learning a terrible secret. A difficult subject that takes a lot of thought and understanding to write, Simon has twisted the story inside out. It will be interesting to follow other writers 'take' on the subject. I like the way he explains how the boy was killed in a graphic way, yet still has the reader feeling sympathy for the father.
Simon, I am in awe of the courage you must have to publish a serial chapter like this. I understand you are about to become one of Story Mint's first published authors. I wish you many successes and hope that you will never regret publishing this chapter. You have made a few errors that might not have happened with a little basic research. First, seizures do not happen anything like what you describe. Second, your paragraph structure is unlike anything I have ever seen. Third, the inconsistancies in your story are so jarring that all sense of a congruous story is completely lost. Better luck next time.
No cigar this time...
I agree that it takes courage to write outside the comfort zone of ones own genre. Apart from a little more research into seizures, I don't altogether agree about inconsistancies. Paranormal is a difficult subject and if we tell a story involving anything to do with strange spiritual or out of body experiences, there will always be inconsistancies. ie. jumping from one POV to another where the second POV is a flashback or someone is talking to a spirit that no-one else can see. Paranormal is about all that is strange and unexplainable in life. I'm a keen lover of 'THE X FILES'.
The death of your own child by a parent is something you'd never get over. Inspiring storyline
This is going to be a hard serial to write. I am a little confused. Did the father hold the boy over his head and then while having a seziure, dropped him down a shaft? Is this like a drinking well of some sort? Also, did the spirit come into the bathroom while he was having another seziure or was he remembering his previous seziure. My husband is epileptic and he never remembers his seziures. It's actuall impossible to remember because most seziures happen in the frontal lobe where memories are stored for brief periods, then transfered. Anyways, I like the ending before the last line. I enjoyed the climax leading up to the husband driving away and the wife crouched down crying. I really didn't understand where the last line came from. I don't mind when a writer changes POV as long as it flows and is clearly readable. I was sort-of lost on this read.
I do like that the dad has already planned an escape. This leaves the door open for the next writer. This proves to be an interesting serial. A serial that is going to challenge every writer. I'm actually getting excited to see where this goes.

On another note, if this guy is going to have seziures and anyone wants an onlookers perspective, let me know. I'd be happy to give you my take on what is like to watch people you love do something that they have no control.
When I come across a chapter I like I continue to wonder why I like it. Sometimes I guess it just sings to me. And this one does. I like the style, I like the pace and I like what is happening in the story.